Some Brief Thoughts On Singleness

Some Brief Thoughts On Singleness

One of the prayers I have been praying this summer is that the Lord would show me the specific needs of those in our culture. I think I know them but I don’t want to assume. I don’t want to bring only what suits me. I want to offer what the Lord has told me to. Since regularly praying this prayer, I’ve been more attuned to the longings and griefs around me. One of those aches is that of singleness. Emails and DM’s have consistently popped up from women who desperately want to be married, or from mothers burdened for their single daughters.

One of the questions I often get is if I have written a book on singleness or spoken on the topic. The answer is no, but I’m always quick to say that everything I have ever written or taught has passed through the sieve of singleness. Every lonely stretch, the ache for human touch, the decision to live a celibate life outside of marriage, the loss of not being a mother, the desire to be protected and cared for, to feel like a “normal” married person with children at places like church—it all comes out in my writing and speaking, just rarely directly. The unique blessings of singleness also trickle through that sieve.

As with any topic like this one, everyone’s desires and experiences are unique. One person’s singleness will look different than another’s, and each person finds themselves on a different bend in the road. So here are some thoughts on singleness that are not in any way exhaustive, though I pray they are true and encouraging.

Be Honest About Your Pain

First, if you desire to be married be honest about your pain. The longing for companionship, sexual intimacy, a life-long committed relationship, and a family are God-given desires (Gen 1:26-28). Throughout Scripture we see women aching to be loved by their husbands (Gen 29:31), to have children (1 Sam 1:11), to be seen (Gen 16:13). One of the great ironies of the Christian life is when God withholds what He has decreed. And yet we also see throughout Scripture these very ironies playing out over and over again, showing His sufficiency in the lives of those walking through painful paradoxes. (I’ve written Bible studies on the lives of Joseph and Ruth, and many others such as Hannah, Rachel, and Leah compiled in No Other Gods. All of these walked through divine disappointment.)

Sometimes well-meaning people will offer spiritually dressed up platitudes to the single women in their lives because they don’t know what to do with their friends’ singleness. They feel badly that they themselves are married and their friends who want to be are not. They want to fix it and since they can’t they say things like, “Isn’t it great that Jesus can be your husband,” “think of all the things you get to do that married people can’t,” or “look at all your children in the Lord.” There may be some truth to these ideas but when certain blessings are presented as worthy substitutes for being married and/or having children, both the blessings of singleness and marriage are cheapened.

The reality is that the wonderful gifts I have as a single woman are not substitutes for sharing my life with a husband I love or for raising children. They are altogether different blessings for which I am deeply grateful but they are not the same as being married or being a mom. It is not only okay to lament these voids in my life, the Lord delights when I bring Him my pain (Ps 62:8, 1 Sam 1:15). No question, my deepest moments of intimacy with Christ have come when I’ve poured out my soul to Him in loneliness and found Him to be not only present but involved. He has taken me by the hand and led me with cords of kindness (Hos 11:4). So, too, God has not forsaken you in your singleness. He delights when you bring Him your longings in all your confusion, frustration, and sadness.

Take Up Your Cross

Second, I encourage you to take up your cross. This may seem like an uncharitable thing to write to someone struggling in her singleness, but the best way to be single is God’s way. I don’t say this from the cheap seats. Celibacy is not easy but it is a blessed existence because it is an obedient one. And obedience is the fertile soil from which peace flourishes. Some of the most beautiful, accomplished, funny, and Christ loving women I know have not yet found the love of their lives, or if they have, such love has been unrequited because the man is afraid of commitment or can’t get his act together for whatever reason. One of these friends recently told me, “I wish you had met me when I was happy.” She was talking about life before singleness had started to settle in like it was here to stay. I didn’t want to dismiss her pain or try to fix her situation, as many have tried to do for me over the years. At the same time, I wanted her to know that finding happiness is not a fool’s errand for the single woman. There is not only joy to be found in the Lord, there is downright happiness to be had for her (more in the last section about the blessings of singleness).

If you will allow me to temporarily contradict myself, I also told my friend that one of the reasons her singleness is hard is because she’s doing it right. She is not picking up men in bars to numb her pain, she is picking up her cross. She is not drinking her sadness away, she is drinking the cup of Christ. She is following the difficult path of obedience to Him. And she is hoping—sometimes against all hope—that the Lord will sustain her one way or another, whether that’s bringing her a husband and children, or surrounding her with love and friendship in the body of Christ and offering Himself to her in a way that is unique to her circumstances and season of life.

Part of being single means dying to oneself and there’s no way around it. More accurately, being a Christ-follower, period, means dying to oneself—no one gets a pass here whether married, same-sex attracted, divorced, widowed, or single from the beginning. Yet one of Jesus’s most astounding promises is that whoever loses their life will find it (Matt 16:25). I have found this to be true beyond anything I could have dreamt but it hasn’t always been an easy road—there’s the losing your life part that precedes finding it in Christ.

Was it too much to ask to have the love that felt like it came so easily for pretty much the rest of the world? Certain years were agonizing to the point of depression, anxiety, and severe exhaustion. Might I have experienced all these married? Perhaps. But what I have gained through my life as a single woman walking with Jesus is Jesus. If for whatever reasons I wouldn’t have gained Him as a married woman the way I have gained Him as a single one, I would choose over and over again singleness. In the words of Sam Allberry, “If marriage shows us the shape of the Gospel, singleness shows us its sufficiency.”

Remember That Everyone Has It Hard

Third, remember that everyone has it hard in some way. If my twenties was the decade of being in more weddings than I can count, and in as many interesting dresses (the perils of a nineties bridesmaid dress), my thirties was the decade of divorces. I think it’s safe to say that my divorced friends have experienced more gut-wrenching loss and betrayal than anyone else I know. This is to say nothing of the pain that comes from having to split time with the children they share with an ex-husband, sometimes a toxic one. Everyone has it hard in some way.

What about married friends who love the Lord and each other? How hard can that be? I recently discussed singlehood’s loneliness with a dear friend whose marriage I respect. In her North Carolina drawl, and with a loving finger pointed my way, she said “Now let me tell you something.” I could feel her ramping up. “I get lonely with my husband sitting six feet away,” she exclaimed, gesturing toward the leather recliner. She wasn’t patronizing me. She was describing a loneliness that even a loving husband can’t reach.

I have many other close friends in healthy marriages whose children are sick or struggling or estranged. I have friends in healthy marriages whose spouses have gone through cancer. I have friends who once had rock-solid marriages but whose spouses have died. I have friends who, out of love for the Lord, are choosing to stay in difficult marriages. Everyone lives with burdens. I don’t say this to diminish the unique trials of singleness. I say it because all of us need to be reminded that everyone has it hard. Something some of my closest friends and I have said to each other over the years is, “There are worse things than being single.” We’re not wrong.

Don’t Put Your Life On Hold

Fourth, don’t put your life on hold while waiting for a spouse. Jesus came that we might have life and have it in abundance (John 10:10). He spoke these words without caveat. He didn’t bring abundant life only for married people, for mothers with children, for those who haven’t been divorced, for those who go on a lot of dates. If there’s any caveat to Jesus’s promise it’s that all of abundant life is found solely and wholly in Him. Singleness isn’t a consignment to living a half-life, or a sub-par life. It’s not Plan B. You can live fully now. Don’t put your life on hold while you wait for a husband or a family. Be hopeful, be expectant, and be disappointed when it’s the season to be so, but don’t sideline yourself in God’s kingdom. Work while you wait. Move while you hope.

If it would be helpful for you, I wrote a memoir called Wherever The River Runs that details the shocking and unparalleled gift the Lord has given me in the Amazon jungles of Brazil. The story begins with how a heartbreaking and failed music career in Nashville (among other disappointments) led me to a breathtaking and life-long adventure along the banks of the world’s largest river. The Amazon rainforest is often referred to as the lungs of the world because of the oxygen it provides for all of humanity. Little did I know that God would use the people of the Amazon to resuscitate me spiritually. If I’d been waiting for life to work out the way I wanted it to, I can tell you I wouldn’t have been caught dead on a boat twisting through the jungle while eating tambaqui. God gave me the grace to live fully in the state I found myself, and it was that very state of singleness that has allowed me to keep living those unique blessings with a ministry called Justice & Mercy International. But that is part of my story. Yours will look different (for which you might be thanking the Lord at this moment). Just don’t miss it because you’ve put your life on hold for what you’re demanding from Him.

Don’t Miss The Blessings of Singleness

Fifth, don’t miss the blessings of singleness. We’ve already established that nothing replaces a spouse or a family, but the reverse is also true. God’s blessings are unique and we don’t do well when we try to interchange them. Being able to identify and enjoy the blessings of being single doesn’t mean you’re dismissing the challenges or heartache of it. For anyone who has done my Bible studies or interacted with me on social media, you know that being an aunt is one of the richest blessings the Lord has given me. While being an aunt is not the same as being a mother, being a mother is not the same as being an aunt! Mom’s give their children what they need; Aunts give their nieces and nephews what they want (within some realm of reason). My six nieces and nephews are God-given treasures that bring me more joy, laughter, and fingerprints on my glass panes than anything I dreamed before my first niece, Maryn, was born sixteen years ago. Don’t miss the blessings God brings even in the midst of your longing.

I’ve long thought fascinating the portion of Joseph’s story where God shows Him favor and kindness while he’s in prison (Gen 29:20-21). I’ve always wondered why if God was going to go to all the trouble of being kind to Joseph in prison, He didn’t just show him kindness by yanking him out of prison. If God can bless us in singleness while we long for a romantic partner, why doesn’t he just bless us with a spouse? If he can bless us while we hope for children, why doesn’t he just bless us with a child?

I am not in any way comparing singleness—or any other status for that matter—to being in prison. What I find so remarkable is Joseph’s ability to see God’s blessings in the midst of his suffering, his forgottenness, his loneliness. God was with him (Gen 39:21). And it was Joseph’s spiritually keen eyes to discern these blessings that ended up serving as his escape route out of the dungeon and to being second in command over of all of Egypt. If you’re only willing to receive the blessings from the Lord you’re looking for—marriage, children, love, sexual intimacy—your eyes will be closed to the blessings He’s offering you now. Not the least of which is Himself.

A dear friend of mine just texted me this verse: “For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord bestows grace and favor and honor; No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly” (Ps 84:11). Is there a better way to close? No good thing will He withhold from you. Walk uprightly before Him. When you fall, He is faithful to pick you up. He is not looking for perfection (1 Jn 1:8-10), He is looking for your life surrendered (Rom 12:1). Give Him your singleness in holiness, and no good thing will He withhold from you.

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How Hospitality Can Be Your Lifestyle

How Hospitality Can Be Your Lifestyle

I just returned from ten days in Italy. Before you begin writhing with jealousy, let me put an abrupt stop to that. I was working a week of day camp with a team from Justice & Mercy International. We lovingly herded twenty-nine children for ten hours a day. I wouldn’t have wanted the week to have gone any differently—unless perhaps it included basking on the Amalfi coast. I reveled in the time with these delightful Italian, Egyptian, Moldovan, Romanian, and Moroccan children. It was a gift to share the love of Jesus with them in word and deed. Their faces will be with me for years to come.  

So, what does this have to do with hospitality, you ask? Let me explain. We were working with two churches, one in downtown Milan, and the other on the outskirts of San Giuliano. Our team of twelve stayed across three homes, Sam and Joan’s, Michael and Nina’s, and Glori, Jake, and Max’s. What our team experienced living with these three generations of family members for ten days is something I will be thinking about for weeks to come. Hospitality is not something they do on a Wednesday night, or a Saturday morning, or for a few days when guests come. It’s a lifestyle. 

Now I know what you’re thinking… Kelly, I can’t do one more thing. I can barely handle my elderly parents, children, and the neighbors I already have. I’m terrible at keeping my house tidy. I understand. I feel a little maxed out myself. But I don’t think showing hospitality is so much about how you and I can do more, as much as it’s about shifting our mindset. When we arrived at Michael and Nina’s house, we discovered a few of our team would be rooming with a woman from Ukraine who’d been living with them for the past three months. They almost always have people staying with them who need a place. On the last night of our trip, a twelve-year old boy made a bed in Max’s home. The boy’s mother is ill so my friends were taking him on their family vacation. When we gathered for dinners, often others would show up because they happened to stop by or didn’t have any other place to go. I got the sense that anyone and everyone was welcome. I returned with a longing for my doors to feel a little more open, and my table a little more packed—it’s okay for place settings to be squeezed and presentation to be less than perfect.

 On one of the last nights of our trip, my pastor Jeff asked Nina to share one thing she wanted to leave with us. She said, “always make room for one more.” What if this became the posture of our hearts? It doesn’t mean making an additional meal, just adding another plate. It wouldn’t require a separate trip to the pool with your kids, just putting one more child in the car. It might mean sharing a room with someone for a few nights instead of having it all to yourself, or packing an extra lunch for your Saturday outing. What would it look like for you and I to make room for one more person? That’s the question I’m asking myself. 

Paul tells us in Romans 12:13 to pursue hospitality. It’s right in there with sharing with others, blessing those who persecute us, being persistent in prayer, and patient in affliction. The one thing I love about pursuing a lifestyle of hospitality is that it fosters relationships. It gives others a place. It connects us. You don’t have to be a fantastic decorator, or have a ton of extra space, or be a great cook, you just have to be willing to make room.

For one more.

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Finding Freedom in Forgiveness

Finding Freedom in Forgiveness

Offering forgiveness is one of the hardest things God calls us to do. It’s funny, really, because it’s such a pleasant gift to receive, but a real gut punch to extend. It’s like the wind at your back versus the wind in your face; the direction it’s going has a pretty significant effect on how we feel about it.

While there are many reasons why forgiving others is challenging, I think there are three reasons worth thinking about. The first is that harboring unforgiveness makes us feel like we’re in control. When someone hurts us, betrays us, takes something from us, or abandons us, clutching unforgiveness is the one thing we still have to hang on to. If we give that up, what do we have left?

This leads us to a second problem. We don’t trust God to make things right. Put another way, we wonder if He’ll truly mete out justice the way we would. Can we really trust Him with our pain, or to deal with our offender. And, thirdly, it’s really hard to forgive others when we don’t recognize our own need for forgiveness. It’s truly remarkable how blind I can be to the ways I hurt other people, and yet I have eagle eyes when spotting another person’s sin against me.

So, what are we to do? Well, we start with what Jesus tells us, and that is to forgive those who have sinned against us (Matt. 6:12). From the most egregious sins to the petty ones, Jesus doesn’t tell us it’s extra good of us if we decide to forgive, rather He commands it. The good news is that whatever Jesus commands us to do, He enables us to do. So, let’s begin here—we must forgive, and He will help us do it.

While holding on to unforgiveness might make us feel like we’re in control, in reality we become a slave to it. And where unforgiveness is in charge, its closest friends are always close by—they go by the names of Bitterness, Anger, Revenge, Martyr, Cynic. But when we forgive, we release the person who hurt us to the Lord. We trust Him to handle it. We transfer the load from ourselves to His capable hands (1 Pet. 4:19). He is a good Father, perfectly just, all capable, righteous Judge. We can trust Him with our offenders.

Finally, the more in touch we are with the forgiveness Jesus has given us, the more freely we’ll offer forgiveness to others. In Matthew 18:21-35, Jesus tells a story of a servant who owed His master 6,000 denarii. The servant didn’t have the money to pay and pleaded with his master not to sell him and his family to pay the debt. Surprisingly, the master had compassion on his servant, released him, and forgave his debt. In a shocking turn of events, the servant who had been forgiven turned around and choked a man who owed him only one hundred denarii. The story is clear: Jesus had tremendous mercy on us, and we are to have mercy on others. In fact, Jesus tells us to forgive “from our hearts” (Matt. 18:35).

Oh, yes, we will need Him to help us do this. We will need Him to change our hearts. We will need Him every step of the way. Let us start by remembering the mercy He has shown us. And surely forgiveness will begin to flow.

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Finding Your Place

Finding Your Place

I’ve been thinking about what it means to find our place. We can think about this in several ways. Whether we’re looking for where we fit in our immediate community, or where we feel valued at work, or the kind of ministry we feel called to. It seems we’re always looking for our place, where we belong and where we’re known.

I’ve been thinking about this mostly in terms of my calling as a believer in Christ. Where is my place? Where is your place? What has God gifted each of us to do and who has He called us to be? The New Testament writers talk a lot about this, and Paul famously speaks specifically about our unique gifts and callings in
1 Corinthians 12—a great passage for further reflection.

But I was in a very different passage recently that made me think of both place and space. In Genesis 26, we find God blessing the patriarch Isaac with an abundance of wealth and resources. As a result, the Philistines got jealous, as we humans do. Instead of saying snarky things on social media or gossiping, they stopped up Isaac’s wells. And when Isaac’s servants dug new ones, the Philistines claimed that those were also theirs. There was quarreling and fighting, and just like in our own day, conflict happened because too many people were fighting over what seemed like finite resources. Everyone was chasing their water, their well, their place.

Isaac and his people decided not to fight and kept on moving. Isaac’s servants dug a fresh well and hit an abundance of water. And guess what they named it? Rehoboth, which means, open spaces. They exclaimed, “For now the Lord has made space for us, and we will be fruitful in the land.” (Gen. 26:22.) They had found their place. And when they told Isaac about the well God had given them, they said, “We have found water!” (Gen. 26:32). And the whole city was called Beersheba, which means “well of the oath.”

There’s a great deal to this passage that can’t be fully explored in this short devotional. But what I hope you will ask the Lord is to show you your place. Because here’s the thing. We spend an awful lot of time fighting over wells with the Philistines of our culture—the ones who tell us to dig for the water of status, more money, a more comfortable lifestyle, a social media brand, a person who’s going to make everything better. The space is crowed and the water limited. But when we surrender our wants for the wants of Christ, our will for the Lord’s, our battles for His provision, He leads us to the place of our belonging. And it is there He gives us success. How do we know? Because where the Lord makes space, He grows fruit (look back at Genesis 26:22). As we ease into the summer, one of the things I’m going to be doing is praying about the place God has called me to serve in the way He’s called me. I hope you will do the same. My encouragement to you is to stop fighting over the wells this world has already packed with sand—it’s a constant conflict that never ends with living water. Let the world have what it has. Seek the living water of Christ (Jn. 4:14). And as you seek Him and His righteousness above all else, you will find your place. And it will be right where He is.

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Spring Cleaning: How the Cross Cleanses Us

Spring Cleaning: How the Cross Cleanses Us

I don’t know how far spring has descended into your life, but for Nashvillians, we’re in the blissful middle of low-seventies and green buds. I have a single tulip that, with admirable resistance, has pushed forth her blush petals against the frost and chill of winter. The blooms of my azaleas look like cotton balls exploding out of previously barren bushes. The doors are open. Everything is waking up, and the birds are singing about it.

So, what does all this make me want to do, you ask? Spring clean, of course. Spring is an innate wake-up call for us to mimic the newness we witness in creation. Dust off those window sills, pack up the wool sweaters, and get rid of a few piles. Not only am I ready for my hardwood floors and kitchen countertops to glow like the lengthening days of spring, I want my soul to reflect the purity and newness of this hopeful season.

It is no accident we celebrate Jesus’s resurrection in the middle of spring, the season of old giving way to new, death trampled by life. In an effort to deepen our understanding of what Jesus accomplished for us on the cross, I want to look at three aspects of Jesus’s death that I pray will be like taking a lemon-scented cloth to the dust that may have collected on our hearts. The more we understand about what the cross accomplished, the more we can appreciate Jesus’s sacrifice.

Three Aspects of the Cross

You may have wondered, why did Christ have to die? Couldn’t there have been another way? What did Jesus actually accomplish for me? Part of the answer to that question is found all the way back in Leviticus. In chapter 16, we see that animals were sacrificed as a way of atoning for Israel’s sin. In other words, since God is holy and righteous, Israel’s sin had to be dealt with. Instead of God’s wrath falling upon His people, it would fall upon the animal sacrificed for the sins of the community. This is what we call substitutionary atonement, because the animal stood in the place of the people (substitution) as the necessary sacrifice for sin (atonement).

Substitutionary atonement has two unique features, the first is propitiation. It means the appeasement of wrath. I think most of us shirk back from the idea of God’s wrath. How can a loving God be angry toward people? I think of some of the terrible evils inflicted upon children, or the betrayal and abuse of perpetrators. Aren’t we glad that God is not passive, but hates sin and the effects of sin (Matt. 18:5-6)? But back to our main point. In ancient days, the animal was the propitiation in that it appeased God’s wrath.

One of my favorite aspects of the atonement, is the second feature: expiation. It means, the removal of sin. Lev. 16:20-22 says,

When he has finished making atonement for the most holy place, the tent of meeting, and the altar, he is to present the live male goat.  21  Aaron will lay both his hands on the head of the live goat and confess over it all the Israelites’ iniquities and rebellious acts—all their sins. He is to put them on the goat’s head and send it away into the wilderness by the man appointed for the task.  22  The goat will carry all their iniquities into a desolate land, and the man will release it there.

The Old Testament gives us such a visual. A literal “scape goat” representatively takes our sin upon itself and carries it into the wilderness, never to be seen again. For those of us who deal with regrets or shame from the past, what a picture of freedom this is.

The problem is that substitutionary atonement in the Old Testament was a temporal answer for the problem of sin. It was a provisional means pointing toward an ultimate solution. In keeping with our spring-cleaning metaphor, the sparkling house got dirty again. Another round of dusting and polishing was needed. This is where the sacrifice of Jesus comes in. Instead of the blood of bulls and goats being slaughtered over and over, year after year, Jesus laid down His life for us once and for all. He was our substitute. He provided the payment necessary to deal with our sin. Not only did He forgive our sin, but as John writes in 1 John 1:9, He cleansed us from all unrighteousness.

Living in Spring’s Newness

As you welcome the longer days and linger outdoors, watching Blue Jays alight on your porch, enjoying the scent of flowers throwing off the covers of winter dormancy, remember these are all signs of the resurrection. Reckon that you can live in spring’s newness because of what Christ accomplished for you on the cross. He stood in your place, becoming sin for you, so that you can become the very righteousness of God (2 Cor. 5:21.) Get up! The sun is shining. Browns are giving way to every hue in the rainbow. Jesus paid an incalculable price so that you might live. It turns out, spring cleaning isn’t just for houses, it’s also for hearts. Let Him cleanse you anew. 

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